


Where We Languish in Wintertime

by h0neybeebear



Series: The Seasons That Change Us [1]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Corporal Punishment, Developing Relationship, Explicit Sexual Content, F/F, Season/Series 17, Spanking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-17
Updated: 2017-03-30
Packaged: 2018-09-25 01:57:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 19,967
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9797390
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/h0neybeebear/pseuds/h0neybeebear
Summary: It all started from some strange, fucked up need to teach and control her insubordination issues, but now not even the lieutenant's command can keep them both from their desires





	1. Chapter 1

The squad room was dim, the sun having gone down early from a dark rain that had plagued the city most of the day. It was eerily quiet except for the patter of the drops on the roof. Most of the desks were empty now. The smell of stale coffee lingered.

 

Stale coffee was the worst. Amanda would rather drive straight through exhaustion than drink it, unlike some of the others in Precinct 16, however, right now she'd give anything to change the reason for her roiling stomach.

 

A case file sat in front of her, her laptop open. Typically, she was able to accomplish what was set before her but at the moment she couldn't concentrate. 

 

Amanda glanced over her shoulder towards the Lieutenant’s office. Light glimmered from between the closed blinds and shut door. It had been that way for several hours. 

 

_ A watched pot never boils,  _ Amanda told herself. She forced her eyes back to her desk and let out a deep breath that rustled the blonde bangs hanging to the right side of her face.

 

It wasn't as if she were shackled here to the desk, but something kept her from getting up and leaving. It would take less than a minute to get on the elevator, ride down to the parking lot and drive away; but somehow she knew it would be futile. 

 

The sound of a door opening jarred her and she spun in her chair, heart suddenly leaping. 

 

The intimidating figure of Olivia Benson stood in the doorway of the lieutenant’s office, outlined in light. 

 

“Rollins, come in here and shut the door, please.” Olivia said as their eyes met. For a moment, Amanda couldn't move as Olivia's eyes pierced hers. Olivia turned first, breaking the searing gaze.

 

Amanda rose slowly from her desk and headed towards the office, heart racing. Her fingertips and face felt slightly tingly and numb by the time she reached the open doorway. She could hardly lift her eyes as she eased the door shut, locking them inside together. 

 

“Come sit down.” Olivia gestured towards the chairs arranged in front of her desk. Amanda stared at Olivia's golden nameplate as she stepped forward, her body almost brimming over with stimulation. Her toe caught suddenly on the leg of the chair and she grabbed at the edge of the desk to catch herself before she made even more of a fool of herself. She leaned hard on the desk, dazed.

 

“Are you okay?” Olivia asked, reaching out to touch Amanda's whitened knuckles. Amanda drew back quickly at the touch. Olivia would be touching her soon enough. She didn't need this maternal gesture as well. Even if it was warm and caring, it burnt her skin like fire.

 

“What do you think?” She snapped, through labored breaths. 

 

Olivia's eyes narrowed slightly and she retracted her hand. “I think you need to sit down and listen to me.” 

 

Amanda swallowed hard and lowered herself to the chair. She wasn't earning any points by being mouthy. 

 

“What happened today...” Olivia began.

 

“I know.” Amanda gritted her teeth.

 

“Listen to me.” Olivia folded her hands on her desk and leveled an even gaze at Amanda. “I understand what your childhood was like, and the things you've gone through to be here.”

 

Amanda cringed and looked away. Even was Olivia was scolding her, she never stopped caring. Maybe that was why Amanda continued to let this go on.

 

“You're a special girl, Amanda, and I want to help you reach your highest potential,” Olivia went on, “But I can't do that when you disobey my every order.” 

 

Amanda swallowed again. Despite her deepest efforts, tears rose in her eyes. She bit at her lips, desperately hoping to suck back the emotion. 

 

“I have taken responsibility of this unit and I have taken responsibility of you.” Olivia leaned forward to make eye contact but Amanda could barely lift her eyes for a second. She couldn't stare into the intensity of Olivia's eyes and keep her composure. 

“Your inability to obey is going to get you into more trouble than this one day.” Olivia's voice softened slightly. “I don't want to see that happen.”

 

“What are you going to do?” Amanda asked, haltingly.

 

Olivia took a measured breath and unlaced her fingers. “What do you want me to do?” She asked, standing from the desk. “We've been over this. Multiple times.” 

 

Amanda jiggled her leg and continued to bite her lip as Olivia rounded the desk and came to stand in front of her. She leaned against the desk and gazed down at Amanda, almost too close for comfort.

 

“You know what you're going to do.” Amanda whispered, staring at the floor.

 

Olivia grabbed her chin and pulled her face up towards hers. “I could.” She said in a steely tone, “but we both know you'll be right back in here next week unless you accept the meaning of these conversations.” 

 

Amanda yanked her jaw away in defiance. “Fuck you.” She grumbled, pushing up from the chair in an attempt to leave. 

 

Olivia's fingers caught her elbow, digging into the soft underside with a threat that Amanda didn't dare pull away from again. Olivia yanked her close, their faces bare inches apart.

 

“Now that's insubordination and disrespect.” Olivia's tone quivered on the fine line of control but it only made Amanda's heart race faster. 

 

How long do you want to be in here for, Amanda?” Olivia questioned.

 

Amanda huffed, her insides squirming. Their bodies were far too close and her blood was beginning to rush with more than just anger.

 

“If this is what you want, I can bend you over right now.” Olivia said in a low tone, her fingers tight around Amanda's arm. Their legs were touching, their breasts on the verge of colliding; and with Olivia's breath in on her cheek, Amanda didn't think she stood a chance.

 

“Then do it.” Amanda breathed, rebelliously. “Make me.”

 

She could see Olivia's jaw clench and her heartbeat lurched. Eliciting any type of volatile reaction from the stoic lieutenant was a reward well earned and one she would willing take for what was going to come. Her wild heart lived to defy anyone and everything and Olivia was no exception. 

 

Olivia turned quickly, knocking aside the clutter on her desk with a quick swipe of her hand. Her name plaque, tin of pens and pencils, and a case file clattered to the side and in the next instant, Amanda's cheek and chest were flush against the cherry wood frame. Olivia was so smooth that she barely remembered going down or the fact that she had somehow twisted her arm behind her back in the same motion. It didn't hurt, but it held the threat of pain if she dared to move.

 

Olivia leaned over her, strands of her copper hair tickling Amanda's cheek. “I don't want to be harsh with you, Amanda. I don't want to hurt you.”

 

“I think that's what you've been doing on a routine basis.” Amanda sneered, despite being pinned down. 

 

“You're a big girl, Amanda.” Olivia replied. “I think you're highly capable of taking a punishment, and much more if you would learn to be a team player”

 

Amanda squirmed under Olivia's hold but it only served to stretch the muscles and tendons in her shoulder. Olivia's grip was like iron. 

 

“Stop.” Olivia commanded, pressing more of her body weight on top of her. She didn't relent until Amanda ceased to fight.

 

Amanda groaned softly and turned her face away, pressing her forehead into the hard desk. 

 

“You bring this on yourself.” Olivia said, leaning back slightly. 

 

“I know…” Amanda whispered, squeezing her eyes shut against another onslaught of tears. She'd always been too headstrong for her own good and now she'd finally met her match. 

 

Olivia let her lie there for a moment, contemplating her choices, before she said quietly, “I'm going to take off your pants now.”

 

Amanda nodded, misery streaking tears down her cheeks. She lay against the desk like a deflated balloon, sucked of all her strength. Fighting only did so much, then came Olivia Benson. 

 

As if sensing her defeat, Olivia released her arm. Amanda slid her arm away from her back and to the smooth surface of the desk. She wasn't necessarily afraid but Olivia always made her feel the perfect slice of humiliation to remind her that Amanda did not make the rules - Olivia did.

 

Olivia's silence burned Amanda's ears, her embarrassment rising to fill in the gaps.

 

She felt Olivia's hand slide beneath her stomach and feel quickly for the button of her pants. Amanda squeezed her eyes shut as she moved swiftly into the next motion, hooking her fingers in the waistband and giving a firm yank. 

 

Amanda choked back a soft cry and clenched her teeth. She couldn't speak much less refuse. With anyone else, this might've felt like a violation of their values as members of SVU but somehow this reprimand was unlike any other encounter Amanda had ever had. Olivia had, and would again, touch her naked flesh in a way that seemed more hurtful than loving but Amanda still complied. Every single time. 

 

“I didn't want to do this again.” Olivia finally said as Amanda's pants crumpled around her knees, leaving her naked from the waist down. “But you don't give me very many options.”

 

“Just do it.” Amanda managed through gritted teeth.

 

Olivia didn't answer but Amanda could feel her move away. Soon after, the desk drawer squeaked open and Amanda glanced up through a fringe of hair. She glanced Olivia's taut face as she straightened… Then the object dangling from her fingers. 

 

Amanda gulped in several breaths but didn't move.

 

She remembered the first time Olivia had called her in for such a meeting. She’d been much more lenient in words and in punishment. The smack of her palm stayed with Amanda to this day, and although it had seemed to be the most humiliating experience she'd ever had in that moment, she wished for it now.

 

“Olivia, please…” She whispered.

 

“You're begging me now?” Olivia questioned. “Now that I have this.” She slammed the paddle down on the desk next to Amanda's head, her long fingers stretched out over the handle, ready to take it up once more at a moment's notice. 

 

Amanda whimpered quietly. “Can't you just use your hand?” She turned her head back towards Olivia gingerly glancing up at her.

 

“Your ass isn't going to be remember my hand tomorrow.” Olivia shook her head. 

 

“I will.” Amanda whispered.

 

“If that was true, this would've stopped after the first time.” Olivia returned. “Don't try to sweet talk your way out of this, honey.”

 

Amanda groaned and pressed her forehead against the desk again. “Fuck.” She murmured under her breath. She squeezed her eyes shut and tried not to focus on her hot, throbbing body.

 

She felt Olivia move closer, then a hand rest on her lower back, just where the hem of her shirt met bare skin. She shivered at the contact of flesh on flesh, biting back another whimper.

 

“I told you last time that if you made me do this again… it wouldn't be pretty.” 

 

Amanda hitched in a breath, but felt a tear run down her nose. 

 

“And I think you know by now that I'm a woman of my word.” Olivia continued. “Don't you?”

 

Amanda nodded but couldn't force her tight vocal cords to cooperate. Her mind was too occupied on what was coming next. Simultaneously, her body was on high alert, her skin prickling all over.

 

“Good.” Olivia murmured. Her fingers tightened over Amanda's shirt hem and Amanda reached for the edge of the desk, gripping it so tightly that it dug into her fingers. 

 

The first blow jarred her and she lurched against the desk. She barely held back a cry as the harsh strike of the paddle burned into her skin. 

 

_ It'll all be over soon… _ She told herself into her mind. She'd lived through a dozen or more of these reprimands. Although she wasn't sure her pride was completely intact, she always managed to pull it together and come into work the next day.

 

The crack of the paddle against her skin made her cringe in unison with the pain as Olivia released the tool upon her one more. At this point Amanda could hardly breath. If she stopped holding her breath she would cry and she didn't want Olivia to hear it. Somehow, her stubborn nature resided through the persistence of Olivia's determination even if it didn't present itself as plainly as it once had. There had been a time when she hadn't given up so easily.

 

Amanda stifled a moan at her own weakness right before the paddle came down once more. The pain had begun to sink into her flesh, searing deeper with each blow. Moisture squeezed from beneath her tightly shut eyelids but she refused to show her distress. Olivia had made it quite clear that she didn't intend to stop until she was bruised and compliant. Olivia's silence spoke for itself even now in that regard.

 

Amanda's palms were sweating now, slipping over the smooth wood with each jarring blow. Her body ached to be relieved but Olivia would not be so kind. Not this time. Amanda had used up all of her second chances.

 

The only sound she could hear from Olivia was a ragged pant which punctuated each spanking. Her ears narrowed in on the sound, focusing uncertainly.

 

The punishment fell heavily, burning hot paths across her naked flesh until there wasn't an untouched inch of skin left on her backside. It seemed to go on for hours until at last Olivia's hand slipped from her back.

 

Amanda remained face down on the desk, breathing heavily. Her face and neck were flushed, perspiration gathering all over her body. She throbbed, the stimulation reaching out to her extremities but centering deeply at her core.

 

“You can stand up now.” Olivia's voice broke the silence, shattering upon Amanda's ear. She pushed herself up slowly, reaching down quickly for her pants, although she wanted to wipe her face of tears. She gingerly maneuvered her pants over her aching buttocks, her head lowered.

 

The nausea of guilt had dispersed but the sting of humiliation drove hard through her stomach.

 

“Go to the bathroom and wash up before you leave.” Olivia advised. Her voice no longer held the edge of anger that it had before and that made Amanda feel slightly better.

 

“Okay.” She whispered. She could barely glance up at her lieutenant, much less hold eye contact so she ducked towards the door. “I'll see you tomorrow then.” 

 

“Actually…” Olivia said as she sat back down at her desk, “I don't want to see you in this office for the next three days.”

 

Amanda's mouth feel open and she turned back in shock, “What?!” 

 

“You're suspended.” Olivia stated, her gaze unflinching. 

 

“B-but…” Amanda sputtered. 

 

“This went over my head, Amanda.” Olivia said, “You went under cover without my knowledge… Without anyone's knowledge and put yourself in a position to be hurt. Badly.”

 

“But Dodds-”

 

“You're only lucky he showed up.” Olivia's voice rose. “Those men could have dragged you into an alley and beat you!”

 

“So what?” Amanda asked, angrily. “ _ You're  _ going to beat me? And suspend me?” She scoffed in her throat and turned on her heel.

 

“Amanda.” Olivia called after her.

 

“I need to go.” Amanda threw a glare back in Olivia's direction before yanking the door open and storming out. Her blood was boiling, her body on high alert, intensifying everything. 

 

She heard Olivia coming after her but she marched towards her desk, grabbing her coat off the back of the chair.

 

“Amanda.” Olivia caught up with her, grabbing her arm.

 

“Get off!” Amanda yanked her arm away and fully faced Olivia, almost pushing her back. For a moment she didn't seem to know how to react but then Olivia had always been good at thinking on her feet.

 

Their bodies collided as Olivia grabbed her upper arms and pinned her against her own desk.

 

“You're twisting my words  _ and _ my actions.” She said in a steely tone.

 

“It seems pretty plain to me.” Amanda whispered.

 

“Does it?” Olivia asked, narrowing her eyes. “I'm trying to  _ help  _ you, Amanda.” 

 

“It would help if you let go of me.” She returned. With what vigor she had left she wrenched herself from Olivia's grip and nearly ran towards the elevator. This time, Olivia didn't pursue her and by the time Amanda looked back, the door was closing on the sight of Olivia leaning on Amanda's desk, her head lowered. It looked like defeat but Amanda knew better.

 

She punched the button for the ground floor and sank back against the wall. Her heart was racing so fast that she could barely breath. Her mind was tumbling in a hundred different directions. She didn't know what to think besides,  _ I have to get out of here. _


	2. Chapter 2

From the hazy world of sleep and dream, the sound of knocking roused Amanda. 

 

She came to, her cheek pressed against the pillow, her body laid out spread eagle on the bed, facedown. Her mouth felt dry and cottony and she could feel a slight headache coming on. She forced her heavy lids open and cringed against the afternoon sunlight filtering through the window.

 

The knocking came again, more insistent. 

 

“C-coming!” Amanda called, attempting to push herself up. She got her hands underneath her body and slowly sat up. The motion made her head spin. 

 

“Amanda?!” She heard a voice filtering through the door and down the hall. “It's Liv. Are you in there?”

 

“Oh god…” Amanda groaned quietly, rubbing her hands over her face. 

 

Dressed in her underwear and hungover, she was hardly decent to be answering the door to her lieutenant. 

 

She stood as quickly as she could and reached for her pants that lay crumpled on the floor. She didn't care that they were the same ones she'd been wearing last night. She pulled them on forcefully and headed towards the front door.

 

When she yanked it open, Olivia was standing outside, dressed in her usual work attire and a long, black coat. Her hair was wavy today, instead of straightened and it made her seem less austere…more soft. 

 

“What do you want?” Amanda asked, holding the door open just enough for her body to be in view. This wasn't an invitation inside. 

 

“I came to check on you.” Olivia said, slowly. She was taking in Amanda's appearance and analyzing. She could see the wheels turning behind the lieutenant's eyes. 

 

“Okay, you checked.” Amanda said, annoyed that Olivia even had the gull to come here after last night. “I'm fine.” 

 

“Right.” Olivia said even more slowly. “Have you been drinking?”

 

“Is that a crime?” Amanda snapped. 

 

“No, but it is cause for concern.”

 

“You know what, Liv,” Amanda said, rubbing her aching forehead with one hand. “Why don't you just get to your selfish reasons for coming here instead of patronizing me.”

 

Olivia's brows lifted and she scoffed lightly in her throat. “I see… Just because you're suspended, you think you have the privilege of talking back to me.”

 

“We wouldn't be having this conversation if you would just leave me alone.” Amanda began to shut the door but Olivia's hand slammed against it, pushing her back. She was on the threshold of Amanda's apartment as they came eye to eye.

 

“I texted you, I called you, you didn't answer.” She explained, her gaze unwavering. 

 

“Did you maybe think for a second that maybe I didn't answer because I didn't want to talk to you?” Amanda asked, her tone bleeding cynicism. 

 

Olivia finally paused, her lips tightening. “You know I worry about you.” She said quietly at last.

 

“No, you think that just because you're my commanding officer that I have to jump to pick up the phone when you call!” Amanda gave up holding door closed and marched back into the apartment with a loud sigh. 

 

Olivia closed the door behind them and clasped her hands slowly. “I expected you to be angry.”

 

“Then don’t act so surprised.” Amanda said, going to the fridge and opening it to inspect the damage she’d done to her stash of beer last night. She cringed inside, but grabbed another. She didn’t want Olivia seeing her regretting her hasty self medication.

 

“Amanda, it’s barely two o'clock.” Olivia spoke from across the room.

 

“And?” Amanda asked, cracking the beer open with the hem of her shirt. 

 

“I wanted to explain that I did not mean to create resentment by suspending you.” Olivia said, stepping across the apartment, towards the kitchen.

 

“Mmm.” Amanda rose her brows and took a swig of the beer. It tasted awful against the leftover remnants lingering on her teeth and tongue but she swallowed it anyways.

 

“I have responsibilities as the leader of this unit.” She went on. “I have to also act on the expectations of my bosses.”

 

“I’m not sure your bosses would agree with corporal punishment.” Amanda laughed. “I’d like to imagine the chief of police finding out about that.”

 

Olivia nostrils flared slightly and she clutched her hands tighter. “What I’m saying is,” She responded after a moment, “I suspended you to make you realize that you answer not only to me but to the chief. Your actions fall back directly on me and the entire NYPD.”

 

“So you’re guilt tripping me for coloring a little outside the lines to catch a rapist?” Amanda demanded.

 

“There are ways to catch rapist and color inside the lines.” 

 

“Because I’m sure you’ve never broken the rules to convict someone.” Amanda scoffed. “You were just like me before this position and now you think you’re all high and mighty because you’ve got a lieutenant’s rank?” Amanda asked, advancing upon her, her anger beginning to flicker once more. Her head throbbed but she ignored it.

 

“I made mistakes if that’s what you mean.” Olivia said, tightly.

 

“And who  _ punished  _  you for that?” Amanda demanded, charging into Olivia’s personal space and glaring up at her. “Was it Elliot?”

 

Olivia’s eyes flashed, her cheeks flushing immediately. For a moment, Amanda thought she might be slapped, or worse thrown down on her own kitchen counter, however, she held her ground.

 

“Whatever happened between me and Elliot is none of your business.” Olivia finally responded. “This isn’t about my past. It’s about your present... and your future at SVU.”

 

“My future.” Amanda repeated, slowly, her tone dropping to uncertainty.

 

“Yes.” Olivia said, softly. “There’s only so many times we can go over this.”

 

Amanda took a step back, her breath leaving her chest, along with all of her ire. She could hear her blood pumping her ears, slamming against her temples. “You’re…. Threatening to fire me?”

 

“You’ve got to realize that your consequences have actions.” Olivia said, spreading her hands. “There’s more to life than just getting a rise out of me.”

 

“Ohhh…” Amanda laughed ironically, rubbing her hands over her face. “You think that me doing my job is all about you.”

 

“Amanda.” Olivia touched her arm. “I know the way you look at me.” Her voice was soft, non-abrasive, but Amanda took another step back, her head spinning.

 

“I….” She began, but found herself at a loss for words. A thousand thoughts were running through her head, but all she could think about was all those times in Olivia’s office, every single reaction she’d ever given her. “Fuck... “ She choked out, turning away slowly. She reached for a chair and sat down uneasily. She’d left her beer at the kitchen counter, but wished she had it now. 

 

“Amanda, listen to me…” Olivia knelt down in front of her and took her hands. “You’re not alone. I know you feel as if I’m attacking you and you don’t know where to turn….”

 

“Stop, please…” Amanda whispered. Her eyes were stinging with tears and nothing described her more accurately than feeling lost.

 

“You think that this is too much.” Olivia whispered, rubbing her thumbs over the back of Amanda’s hands. “And I understand why you might feel that way.”

 

“I _ might _ ??” Amanda turned her eyes to Olivia’s. 

 

“Okay… you do.” Olivia conceded, “But you have to be honest with me.”

 

Amanda shook her head and pulled her hands away to cover her face. “I can’t.” She whispered through tears, “I can’t do this.”

 

“You can.” Olivia insisted, taking Amanda’s wrists and pulling her hands down. Their eyes met again and Olivia’s gaze swallowed her up, dragging her down into a whirlpool of emotions and desires. She couldn’t begin to sort them out, but all she knew was that what she saw in Olivia’s eyes was more than just concern. 

 

“Oh, god…” Amanda whimpered, but it sounded far away, in a vacuum. Her ears began to ring loudly as flashes of memories cut across her mind. She felt as if her entire life at SVU was coming crashing down on top of her, the walls of what she thought she knew collapsing into nothing. All those times she had entered Olivia’s office, the way Olivia had looked at her, the way she had touched her, the feelings it had created…. This wasn’t just a professional relationship as she had led herself to believe…. It was very, very personal and the intimacy that Olivia had managed to create underneath her own nose was just now breaking down the walls of her awareness.

 

“Amanda…” Olivia’s voice broke through the barrage of thoughts and emotions. “Are you okay?”

 

“No…” Amanda whispered. “I’m not… I… I can’t…. You need to leave.” She rose suddenly from the chair and wobbled towards the front door as quickly as she could. Her legs felt as if they would give out at any second. Her heart was pounding so quickly that she felt numb. She grabbed the door handle and yanked it open. “Please…” She looked back at Olivia, desperately. 

 

“This doesn’t solve things.” Olivia rose from the kitchen floor and approached Amanda slowly. Amanda shrank back, panting heavily. She didn’t know what do besides get Olivia out and figure out what do in the next three days. She needed a plan, a way around this, something…

 

Olivia reached her, and grabbed the door handle over where Amanda’s hand was still resting. Looking into her eyes, she pushed it shut again, causing Amanda to back up at the door. At this point, Olivia was right up against Amanda, so close that she could smell her perfume. She let out a small noise of desperation but gasped a second later as Olivia pressed their bodies closer. Her hand squeezed tightly around Amanda’s. 

 

“What…. What are you doing?” Amanda panted.

 

Olivia’s hand rose to her cheek, brushing softly before travelling to the nape of Amanda’s neck. Looking into Olivia’s eyes, Amanda knew what was about to happen but she couldn’t speak. She couldn’t resist. She couldn’t cleverly find her way out of this.

 

Olivia’s fingers tensed into the strands of her hair and leaned in close, their noses touching. Their breaths rushed against each other’s mouths and for a moment Olivia paused.

 

“Liv…” Amanda barely got out a whisper before she couldn’t speak anymore. Olivia’s mouth pressed against hers, cutting off any resistance she might’ve given. Amanda moaned, but stayed slack against the door as their lips joined. Olivia was soft and sweet in taste, but firm in her motions. She took command of the kiss as she took command of everything, guiding her mouth over Amanda’s top lip, then her bottom, sucking almost harshly. It was enough to jar Amanda’s mouth open and Olivia’s tongue darted inside, lapping at her palate and teeth in a way that made Amanda’s knees so weak that she sagged. She grabbed at Olivia’s coat sleeves and lifted her chin up further, in acceptance…in desire...

 

Reality had finally broken through. She wanted this and always had. From the very first time inside the lieutenant’s office, she had desperately and fervently wanted Olivia Benson. 

 


	3. Chapter 3

The morning of her first day back after suspension dawned bright against quickly falling temperatures. New York winter was quickly approaching and Amanda was more than happy to bundle up in a coat, scarf, hat and sunglasses. Maybe entering the squad room in so many layers would shield her from the embarrassment of her co workers concerned or disapproving gazes. Maybe it would hide her from the burn of Olivia's eyes.

 

When she entered the office, she walked quickly to her desk before she began to remove her winter attire. She busied herself by turning on her laptop and reading messages that had been left while she was away. 

 

“Hey, welcome back!” Fin Tutuola’s voice blasted in her ear and she looked across her desk, annoyed. Her partner grinned at her before leaning in, “I'm glad you're here. I've been having to ride with Carisi.” He wrinkled his nose in mock disgust. 

 

Amanda couldn't help but laugh. “What a tragedy.”

 

“All right, everyone, listen up.” Olivia's voice interrupted their banter and Amanda inwardly groaned. She'd barely been here for five minutes and the lieutenant was already making her appearance. 

 

Olivia came to stand between Amanda and Carisi’s desks. “I know we're all expecting things to go back to normal today, but for now Rollins is going to ride with me. Fin and Carisi, continue partnering up.”

 

“Wait are you serious?” Amanda asked, shocked. First she needed to be suspended and now she needed to be babysat?

 

Olivia turned to her slowly, one arched brow rising higher, “Is there a problem with that, Detective Rollins?” 

 

Amanda stuttered over her words for a moment before letting out an exasperated sigh. “Whatever.” She turned back to her desk, “You're the boss.”

 

At this point she could feel the entire squad rooms staring at her. If the walls had eyes they'd be side eying her as well. 

 

“Yes…” Olivia said slowly. “And you'd do well to remember that.” She turned on her heel and left the room, leaving the aura of her presence to sting Amanda's body with memories of their kiss.

 

“Damn, she can't let up on you for a second?” Fin asked. Normally, Amanda loved the fact that Fin was always on her side but at the moment she wished he wouldn't even look at her. It was too embarrassing. When she didn't answer, Fin leaned closer, “Are you okay?”

 

“Yeah, fine.” Amanda forced out, but she wasn't. Not only had Olivia angered her, she had also confused her. She could hardly begin to wade through the myriad of mixed signals that Olivia had sent her way. It was all beginning to be too much.

 

Amanda rose from her desk suddenly, head down. She headed out of the squad room as quickly as she could, looking for a safe space to gather her composure. She just need to be away from all those eyes.

 

Amanda shoved her way into the bathroom that was several yards down the hallway and immediately sank against the wall as the silence enveloped her. She sighed in relief and rubbed her hands over her face. 

 

“Get it together.” She murmured into her palms. She blew out another breath and let her hands drop. Her reflection immediately looked back at her from the mirror above the sinks. She was flushed, her light blue eyes standing out in stark contrast. She didn't look like she had it together. Maybe she never would again. 

 

She wandered slowly to the sink and leaned on the counter. Staring down at the porcelain, she watched a drop of water plop into the drain. She could see another drop bubbling up from the tap.

 

The door creaked and Amanda spun around suddenly. Somehow she knew it was Olivia before she even saw her.

 

“What do you want?” She snapped, embarrassed to have been caught.

 

“I saw you leave the room.” Olivia said. 

 

“So you decided to invade my privacy some more?” Amanda asked sharply. She turned back to the sink and cranked the cold water on, disrupting the slow tap of the dripping water droplets. She bent down and cupped some of the water to her flaming cheeks, hoping to dispel the flush. 

 

“Amanda.” Olivia's fingers brushed her elbow and Amanda lifted her gaze, meeting Olivia's eyes, via the mirror. She could see clear concern sketched on Olivia's face in the furl of her brow and the taut line of her jaw.

 

“I don't want to talk to you.” Amanda whispered and bent her head again.

 

“You don't have a choice.” Olivia replied softly.

 

“Yes. I think I do.” Amanda returned, reaching for a paper towel. She tore a section off firmly and pressed it against her face. “What is it you always say? You can always say no. At any time.”

 

“That is true. That's why I'm saying that you have to talk to me.” Olivia said with a pause, “You have to tell me no.” The last sentence held a bitter sadness that shocked Amanda. 

 

She turned slowly. “What do you mean?” She asked. 

 

“Exactly what I said.” Olivia said. Her face held a resolve that a weaker individual might've not been able to uphold and that was what caused the panic in Amanda's heart. “I need you to tell me right now that this is where this ends.” She punctuated the sentence with a finger stabbing towards the ground.

 

“B-but…” Amanda stuttered. “You're the boss aren't you?” She tried to force her typical cynical attitude into the words but it just came out sounding desperate and she wasn't sure why. 

 

“I am.” Olivia stated. Her gaze broke Amanda's for the first time and she absentmindedly drew her finger through a small pool of water on the counter. “I am in charge if this unit and I need to be completely and utterly unbiased…” Her voice trailed off.

 

Amanda struggled to grasp the meaning of the conversation and she let out a few exasperated noises. She crumpled up the paper towel she had used to wipe her face and tossed it forcefully at the trashcan. “So you’re telling me that now that’s you’ve spent all this time….’cultivating’ this twisted little relationship, you’re going to leave it to  _ me  _ to make it right.” She shoved past Olivia, their shoulders colliding. “You wanna know what I think?” She asked as her fingers wrapped around the door handle. She cast a glare back at Olivia’s direction, “I think you should go and start fucking yourself instead of me.” 

 

Without further thought or care, she stormed out of the restroom, letting the door fall closed harshly on Olivia’s shocked expression. The much cooler air of the hallway hit Amanda’s flushed face but she could hardly feel it for the fire burning through her chest. She wasn’t even sure what she wanted or expected from Olivia, but it sure as hell wasn’t these mind games. 

 

“Rollins, we got a call.” Fin said as she re-entered the squad room. He looked up from hanging up the phone and his brows immediately rose. “What’s going on?”

 

“Nothing. You said we got a call? What is it?” Amanda asked.

 

“Woman said she was raped by her boyfriend… Are you sure you’re okay?” Fin immediately asked .

 

“Yes, let’s go.” Amanda said, grabbing her coat off of her desk.

 

“Aren’t you supposed to ride with Liv today?” Fin asked, although he was also putting on his coat.

 

“She told me she changed her mind.” Amanda lied smoothly. 

 

Fin nodded slowly. “Right….” 

 

“So let’s go.” Amanda canted her head towards the door. She already had her keys in hand, ready to escape the squad room before Olivia returned and found her disobeying orders once more. She headed towards the elevator with Fin following close behind. Her heart was racing with leftover anger, chased after by adrenaline. 

 

She didn’t feel calm until they were in the elevator, riding down. 

 

“So are you gonna tell me what’s really going on, Amanda?” Fin asked as the elevator clicked, then whirred as it began to lower them to the first floor.

 

“Fin….” Amanda began, pressing her eyes shut, “I just really need some space right now. I need to work and… and  _ do _ something.”

 

“All right. I’ll fill you in on the ride.” Fin nodded, and she trusted him not to ask anymore invasive questions. 

 

She knew this was only a temporary reprieve from her real problems and feelings, but it didn’t stop her from seizing the opportunity to ignore all the thoughts and feelings reeling through her. She knew that when she returned she would have hell to pay with Olivia, but in the deepest, darkest pit of her desires maybe it was what she wanted. 


	4. Chapter 4

Amanda was relieved that she and Olivia’s paths managed not to cross for the rest of the day. She knew such luck could not last forever, but every time it passed through her thoughts, she pushed it aside and re-focused on her job. 

It was late and Amanda was at her desk, finishing up her paperwork for that day when she glimpsed the elevator opening out of the corner out of her eye… and the tall, imposing figure of Olivia Benson exiting from within. Her stomach immediately dropped and she yanked her eyes away to stare at a small blemish on the surface of her desk. She could feel her heart taking off at a sickly beat. The lieutenant looked in no mood to be generous or lenient. 

Olivia's presence drew close and Amanda glanced over to see Olivia's hands resting on her desk. Her gaze climbed slowly upward, past the curve of her breasts, the length of her neck and to her stern expression. Their faces were bare inched apart. 

“Detective,” Olivia spoke in a low concise tone, only loud enough for them to hear.

“Yes…?” Amanda's voice rattled breathlessly from her chest. 

Olivia's eyes burned into hers silently for a moment, so intense that Amanda wanted to get up and run from the room, from the building - anywhere to escape that knowing gaze.

“I want to see you in my office in the next five minutes.” She said at last, her tone brooking no argument. 

Still Amanda whispered, “Or what?”

Olivia's brows rose, “Don't think I won't suspend you again.” She straightened and left the room without another word, leaving Amanda quivering in her seat. 

She glanced around to determine whether anyone had seen the interaction. She caught a few wondering gazes but no one seemed to have heard; however, it wouldn't have been hard for anyone to have detected the tenor of their conversation. Olivia getting into anyone's face was a bad sign. 

Amanda took a fragile breath and tried to calm her heart before even thinking about heading to Olivia's office. Her thoughts, however, began to seep into the unknown, wondering what would happen once the door closed upon them.

Would Olivia revert to their same routine or would she be forced to forge an entirely new path after the events of the past few days? Amanda had no way of knowing whether their relationship would explode into nothing or quietly travel down an even darker path, one that she feared yet desired the most.

Amanda gave up on trying to to quell the sick and anxious feelings that crept into her belly with every passing second and rose slowly from her desk. With her head down, she walked the well known path of shame towards the lieutenant’s office. Her hands were cold and clammy as she grabbed the doorknob and turned it slowly. Each step brought her closer to a fate that she hardly dared to raise her eyes to.

When at last the door shut behind her and she stood alone in Olivia's presence, she forced confidence into her posture and lifted her head. 

Olivia sat at her desk, her hands folded, her expression unwavering. 

“Oli-” Amanda began.

“Don't speak.” Olivia rose slowly, lifting her to her full height, several inches above Amanda's head. “You've said enough today.”

Amanda swallowed hard. All the moisture was seeping from her mouth and her heart was beating and fluttering anxiously at every pulse point.

Olivia stepped out from behind the desk, her steps measured. Amanda swallowed hard when she saw the paddle dangling from her fingers. She wasn't shocked and yet the foreboding filled her heart and stomach to the brim, in a deadly brew.

Olivia came to stand in front of Amanda, letting the sound of her silence drive Amanda's anxiety even higher. She grabbed her face suddenly, her nails biting into Amanda's cheeks. She forced their eyes to meet, and Amanda choked over her own breaths as Olivia's eyes dug into her.

“I don't even know what to say to you.” She said, her tone nearly trembling in anger.

Amanda pressed her eyes shut for a moment, feeling tears throb at her eyelids. She could see their path beginning to wan in front of her blackened gaze and it was not a path towards redemption nor was it one where she would remain virgin to Olivia's fiery touch.

“Look at me.” Olivia's fingers dug into her jaw with a shake. Amanda whimpered softly, forcing her eyes open, but Olivia's sculpted visage was a blur in her vision. “This is what's going to happen.” She spoke lowly, just above a terrifying whisper, “You're going to take this punishment and you're not going to say a word. You're going to be silent until I am satisfied.”

Amanda sucked in a breath through her nostrils, searching for a way to breath through the thick cloud of regret and apprehension clogging her throat.

“Nod your head if you understand.” Olivia instructed.

Amanda complied, nodding slowly. In a way she had known this was coming, yet it seemed much worse now that she was here. Perhaps she had been foolish to think she might in any way escape Olivia's punishment simply because they had kissed. 

“Good.” Olivia released her chin in exchange for her arm and directed her towards the desk. 

A voice in the back of Amanda's mind reminded her that no matter what Olivia still honored her consent. She knew that even at this moment in time she could stop all of this. She could say no. She trusted Olivia more than anyone to respect her bodily autonomy and perhaps that was the exact reason why she did the opposite and allowed Olivia to pull her to the desk. She deserved what was coming and in the depths of her heart even craved it. 

The cold, smooth surface of the desk met her chest and cheek like a familiar preamble to the punishment that awaited in the cauldron of their desires and Amanda clung to it. She bit back a gasp as Olivia relieved her quickly of her pants. Her hand pressed against the small of Amanda's, back and the hem of her shirt, dragging up the material in a forceful pull. Amanda felt a pull at her insides at the sensation of even more bare skin being revealed to Olivia's eyes. 

Olivia hardly hesitated, her motions quick, calculated, powerful. The heel of her hand pinned her down between her shoulder blades, wresting what was left of the air out of her lungs. She brought the paddle down in the next second and Amanda cried out softly in pain. It was too harsh and unforgiving to hold back. 

“Don't speak.” Olivia reminded her in a strained tone right before the biting lick of the paddle met her flesh again, even harder now. Amanda sank against the desk, her knees quavering. Tears gushed to her lids in waves and she wanted to cry out louder but Olivia did not give her a moment's rest. Her arm swung again, the paddle cracking against Amanda's flesh, over and over. There was barely a second between each blow, not even a moment for Amanda to catch her breath. Her lungs burned to cry out, whimpers bubbling up in her throat. 

It was much worse than she'd ever received and much more painful than she had imagined. That Olivia had barred her from crying compounded the fact that she was light years from garnering any mercy from the lieutenant. 

Olivia finally paused, and Amanda heard her voice, raspy and low, “That's ten for telling me to ‘fuck myself’.” 

Amanda groaned, her head lolling against the hard surface of the desk. They hadn't even reached the part where Olivia reamed her for disobeying orders right after returning from suspension. Amanda realized slowly that Olivia would not be satisfied until she was an aching, bruised mess of regret. 

Amanda arched with a cry as Olivia started the second round of punishment with a harsh swat of the paddle. It was mind numbing on top of her already burning flesh. She grabbed onto the edge of the desk and bit down on her lower lip as the spanking fell heavy and unrelenting. She tried to count, but numbers slipped away from her twirling thoughts. It was all she could do to keep her mouth shut as Olivia had ordered. 

She felt completely and utterly broken before another reprieve was visited up on her. 

“And that's ten,” Olivia said, “for disobeying me. Again.” Her hand slipped from Amanda's back, relinquishing her command of her body. She lay slack against the desk, panting erratically as she attempted to regain some semblance of control. 

“Stand up.” Olivia ordered.

Amanda weakly pushed herself up. All of her muscles seemed to ache and her head was throbbing. She was aware that she was standing half naked in front of Olivia but all she could do was lean on the desk, her head lowered. 

She glanced Olivia returning to her side of the desk out of the corner of her eye. She lifted a hand and rubbed at the sheen of moisture on her cheeks. 

“I'm done with you.” Olivia said, coldly, sitting down in her chair. “You're dismissed.”

Amanda sniffed, her breath wavering. “S-so… That's it?” She questioned. She finally reached for her pants and pulled them up slowly. The material chafed her aching skin and she winced. 

“Yes.” Olivia replied, her tone short. She was already concealed beneath layers of authority once more, her glasses on her nose, her face turned towards her computer.

“So… No explanation for… for kissing me?” Amanda demanded in a raw voice. 

She saw Olivia's jaw clench. The lieutenant snatched her glasses off and looked up at her. “You made it quite clear where you stand on that. This, however, is still my unit and you still answer to me. And if this is what you want, then don't think I will hesitate. If you think you've earned any type of leeway with me… You need to reevaluate.”

Amanda struggled for words. “So you mean you're choosing to release your feelings through command instead of actually acknowledging them.”

“I said you're dismissed, Detective Rollins.” Olivia pushed her glasses back on and grabbed a case file from the desk drawer. 

Amanda failed to move towards the door, instead staring at the lieutenant in disbelief. Emotions crashed over her, memories tearing into her heart, each one more intense than before. For once, she let them rush over her in an all consuming tide. All of her rage, confusion, and desire came bubbling to the surface at once, jolting her into action. 

“You started this.” She breathed, slamming her hands down on the desk. The power of it rattled through the wood, vibrating into her palms, and she saw Olivia jump in surprise. Finally, a reaction she could grasp onto and control. “You led me in here under the impression of command and you took me and exploited me for your own desires.” Amanda accused, her voice ragged, torn with emotions. 

Olivia stared back at her, her face dark with the shadow of what Amanda could make out to be guilt, yet Olivia was ever strong in the face of adversity. She would not be moved, not by Amanda's compliance nor by her anger. 

Amanda let out a frustrated growl and yanked her hands away from the desk to storm around to Olivia’s side. Olivia pushed back her chair and attempted to rise as Amanda rounded the corner of the desk but she never got that far. Amanda pushed into her, their chests colliding. She shoved her knee between Olivia's, planting it firmly up against her crotch. On impulse, she grabbed a handful of Olivia's thick, soft locks and leaned in close, her voice emanating in a raspy tone, “You started this but I'll sure as hell finish it.” 

Pulling forcefully on Olivia's hair, Amanda brought their lips together in a calamitous kiss. Olivia resisted at first, her body rigid, but Amanda refused to relent. She bit down on Olivia's lower lip, hard enough to force a reaction. Olivia jerked underneath her and she grabbed onto Amanda's hip and her arm, her fingers digging in. 

Amanda could not deny that it felt good to be the one on top, wielding the power, and controlling the reactions. It was an invigorating euphoria that pushed her pulse higher and spread heat down between her hips. It wasn't the first time she had felt that sensation with Olivia but it was the first time she took it as what is was - the arousal of desire. 

She felt Olivia's hand squeezing her hip before slipping to the back of her thigh. The touch was more sensual than anything she'd felt so far and she wanted more. She wanted Olivia to touch her. More than anything, she wanted those hands upon her, caressing and inundating her with more than she could take.

Amanda pushed up against Olivia, closer, begging. She felt Olivia's legs part to the pressure of her knee and she moved in immediately into the space it presented. She could feel how hot she was through the veneer of clothing and it made her own blood run even hotter. 

Their mouths were quick and wet at this point, gasping and colliding, desperate. Neither of them held back, pouring fraught tongue and saliva into each others mouths, their panting and groaning muffled, lost in each other.

It felt like a whole millennium of eternity before it ended and yet when it did, Amanda lifted her head, dazed by how quickly it had all happened. 

She stared down at Olivia, her body throbbing all over. Olivia's own cheeks were flushed, her lips red from the barrage of kisses and bites she had received. There was a light in her hooded eyes, a dangerous desire that lurked in their dark depths and Amanda would've relinquished her free will all over again to discover what urges lay beneath the eloquent layers of her commanding officer. Amanda knew, however, that Olivia would never give into her here. Olivia did everything on her own terms and that was why Amanda stepped away first. She took the words of reprimand and dismissal from the air as she turned quickly and marched towards the door. Now she would leave Olivia as Olivia had left her so often - alone and quivering with a desire that only another could quench.


	5. Chapter 5

Striding into the squad room the next morning, Amanda felt like an entirely new person. Yesterday, she’d been ashamed, embarrassed, cowed, but after taking control last night with Olivia, she finally felt as if she wasn’t drowning in her own feelings and vulnerability. She didn’t know in what way it would affect Olivia’s work performance, but at this point, she was willing to roll with whatever happened. Olivia now had one of two choices - continue to be met with Amanda’s resistance, or give in.

 

Amanda smiled to herself as she reached her desk.

 

“You’re lookin’ better.” Fin commented.

 

“I feel better.” Amanda said, and began to sit down. She immediately regretted not being more gentle, however, when her raw skin screamed back at her. She barely held back and squeak from the back of her throat and shifted in the chair.

 

“You okay?” Fin asked.

 

“Fine…. I just…. I tripped over Frannie last night and fell.” Amanda lied quickly.

 

“For you calling her smart, she sure is stupid sometimes.” Fin laughed.

 

“Yeah,” Amanda forced a chuckle and cleared her throat. Even if she was still sore, physically, she consoled herself with the fact that Olivia was likely sore in her feelings and her ego. Amanda certainly hoped so.

 

“Rollins.” The woman of her thoughts interrupted her petty wishes. Olivia strode from her office, a case file in one hand, her cell in the other. She looked put together as always, hardly a strand of hair out of place…. And if it was, it certainly didn’t diminish her regal air. 

 

“Yeah, lieutenant?” Amanda asked, keeping her tone neutral.

 

“I missed riding with you yesterday.” She said, flipping through her file, “Do you mind joining me?”

 

Amanda sighed, and forced herself not to roll her eyes. So they were back at this game again?

 

“Sure. What’ve you got?” She asked, rising from her desk.

 

“I’ll fill you in.” Olivia said, turning quickly and heading towards the elevator.

 

Amanda and Fin exchanged a look. It wasn’t like Olivia to pull one of them on tour without letting them know what they were stepping into nor without letting the rest of the squad know where they were going. It could only mean one thing, but only Amanda knew the reason. 

 

“See ya.” Fin shrugged.

 

“Yeah…” Amanda said, slowly and followed Olivia’s footsteps.

 

Olivia was waiting at the elevator when Amanda caught up. The lieutenant’s face gave nothing away at this point, but Amanda didn’t say anything. She knew better than to push anything when they weren’t alone. She knew how to keep a poker face as well as Olivia most of the time, but inside she was itching to know what Olivia would say once the doors shut behind them.

 

The elevator dinged and the door parted for them. Olivia gestured for Amanda to enter first and Amanda stepped inside, watching Olivia closely from her peripheral. Once they were both inside, Olivia stabbed the close door button, but hesitated to hit a floor button. 

 

Amanda could feel her heart beginning to pick up its pace and she watched Olivia’s profile turn tense.

 

“If this is about last night…” Amanda began, although she didn’t know where she was going with it.

 

“Stop.” Olivia held up a hand.

 

“You didn’t say that last night.” Amanda murmured.

 

Olivia’s jaw clenched and her eyes closed. Her brows were taut and a few strands of hair tumbled over her cheek as she bent her head. “I know just as well as you what happened.” She finally said.

 

“Then you know…” Amanda said, stepping closer to her and touching her arm, “I didn’t say stop either.”

 

Olivia finally glanced over at her, her wide dark eyes reaching out to Amanda with something that she couldn’t quite place - an emotion that was rooted deep inside of Olivia, and pushed a rush of moisture to her eyes.

 

“What you want, Amanda…. I can’t give it to you.” Olivia replied, her voice just above a whisper. 

 

“I don’t believe you.” Amanda shook her head. “You already crossed so many lines…. Sexual misconduct has been in the rearview mirror for awhile.”

 

Olivia pursed her lips. “I have a son, Amanda. I have this unit, and my career.”

 

“You think I’m asking for flowers and dates?” Amanda asked. “Commitment?”

 

Olivia’s frown deepened. “It doesn’t matter.” She shook her head and lifted a hand to push her hair out of her face. “I can’t give you….sex.” She finished the sentence in a halting tone. For a woman who spent her life talking about the sexual aspect of things day in and day out, her tone came off awkward and even ashamed.

 

Amanda drew back. “Is it because… I’m…. I’m a woman?”

 

“No…. god, no.” Olivia whispered, vehemently, pressing her eyes closed again. She rubbed her temples with her fingers, before looking up at Amanda again, “This isn’t  even because I don’t want to.”

 

Amanda laughed cynically and turned away from her. “So this is all about you not crossing  _ that _ line.”

 

“There is a line, Amanda, and as much as you don’t want to believe it, sex forms an unbreakable bond -”

 

“Trust me.” Amanda cut her off, spinning back towards her. “That’s bullshit.”

 

“Amanda,” Olivia said softly, “You’ve come to me…broken…crying…angry. You….” She cleared her throat, “kissed me last night….and I have lived long enough to know what passion feels like.”

 

“So… you’re trying to tell me you know me now?” Amanda asked, her voice breaking. She knew Olivia was right but she just couldn’t admit it. Every word was like a knife to her heart. No matter what she said, she knew in her heart that she just wanted Olivia to admit that there was something more here than a professional relationship - and Olivia wasn’t going to give it to her.

 

“You’ve been under my command for almost two years and partners for two years before that…. I think I do.” Olivia said.

 

“You  _ think _ you do.” Amanda repeated. “Right, that’s all you do, Olivia. You think what you want and that’s it.” She pushed in front of Olivia and stabbed the first floor button. The elevator shifted and quickly began to lower them downwards. 

 

“Amanda, don’t do this.” Olivia grabbed her arm.

 

“Do what?” Amanda asked, turning to face her and pulling her arm away. “I’m not doing anything right now, but you know what I will do?” Their faces were closed and Amanda could see the emotions warring in Olivia’s eyes, but at this point, she was too angry to care. She had given Olivia a chance to finally tell her the truth about her feelings and she had cut her off again.

 

“When I walk out of this elevator… my consent is gone.” Amanda hissed. “Our little office sessions that you’re getting off on…. They’re gone unless you admit that there is more here than just….professional mentoring.” She spit out.

 

Olivia’s eyes widened slightly, but she didn’t move to stop Amanda even as the elevator jolted to a halt. Amanda heard the ding that signaled their landing and when Olivia still didn’t say anything she cursed under her breath.

 

“And I thought you were the most badass detective in SVU.” She scoffed. “Maybe you don’t have any balls after all.” She turned as the elevator doors slid open and began to march away. Her mind burned with rage but her heart stung with something much worse. She could feel it pushing it’s way up to the surface, yearning to burst forth. 

 

She was shocked when she felt Olivia grab her wrist, her grasp firm, unyielding. She pulled her back right before the elevator doors closed again. Amanda gasped as Olivia used the momentum to push her up against the wall. She brought Amanda’s captured wrist up against the wall of the elevator as their bodies pressed together, as close as they’d ever been. Olivia’s body was plush and warm against her and she closed her eyes, lapsing into surrender as Olivia’s lips pressed down upon hers once more. It was the third time in as many days and yet it still felt as shocking and as arousing as the first time. 

 

Amanda moaned, using her free hand to grab onto Olivia, first at her shoulder. Olivia clasped her cheek in response, her fingers firm as she used the leverage to plunder deeply into Amanda’s mouth. Amanda let her mouth fall agape, delightedly gagging over Olivia’s tongue. Her fingers scratched over Olivia’s shoulder before dragging downwards. Driven by desire, she laid her hand over Olivia’s breast. The fullness of flesh overflowed from her palm but she squeezed as much as she could, shivering as she felt Olivia’s nipple harden through layers of clothing. 

 

Olivia lapped harder at her mouth, retreating only to assault her lips with a hard suck. She bit, then licked again, her saliva dragging down to Amanda’s chin. She could hardly even respond with the way that Olivia tore across her mouth, taking her through a storm of kisses that were almost desperate in their tone. 

 

When she finally pulled back, they were both panting. Olivia kept her hold on Amanda’s wrist and cheek. Her own cheeks were flushed, her full lips red. She had the light of arousal in her eyes and it made Amanda’s body flutter. She was pulsing hot with need. 

 

They stared at each other for several long seconds as if neither of them knew where to go after this. In pulling her back and kissing her, Olivia had, for all intents and purposes, admitted what Amanda wanted to hear, even if it was through manipulation.

 

Amanda breathed out slowly, her breath wavering as she slid her hand from Olivia’s breast to her arm. She skimmed her fingers along Olivia’s arm until she reached the hand that clasped her cheek. She wrapped her fingers slowly around Olivia’s wrist and pulled her hand down. Olivia hardly resisted as Amanda directed her hand to her stomach. She nudged Olivia’s hand against her body, closer to her crotch with each second. 

 

Olivia’s brow furrowed slightly, her breathing picking up. Her body was burning hot against Amanda’s and she was almost sure that Olivia would not pull away. She had put herself into this situation and despite what Amanda had said last night, Olivia always finished what she started.

 

Olivia’s hand took on a will of its own slowly and Amanda gasped softly as Olivia’s fingers dipped into the front of her pants, digging beneath  the hem of her shirt, darting under the edge of her panties. Bare skin against bare skin, Olivia’s fingertips ventured further.

 

They were both panting, their eyes locked, finally meeting head-on that this tempestuous battle of emotions. With her head spinning, Amanda wasn’t sure whether she was the one who had given or Olivia was.

 

Olivia’s fingers took their final course, cupping between Amanda’s thighs firmly. Amanda’s breath shook and she grabbed onto Olivia as her body pulsed harder. Even the lightest touch of Olivia’s hand was like fire, burning her up, consuming her. Olivia’s middle finger breached her lips, opening her up to a deluge of wetness, which poured onto her fingers.

 

“God…” Olivia whispered, huskily. She sagged for a moment against Amanda, her forehead pressing against hers. “What are you doing to me?” She asked, pressing her eyes closed.

 

“Exactly what you’re doing to me…” Amanda answered in a moan. 

 

Olivia’s fingers tightened around her wrist while her other hand slid up, allowing her fingers to glide along Amanda gushing lips. She guided her fingertips up to Amanda’s clit, rubbing softly against the raw, engorged flesh.

 

“Oh...m-my god…” Amanda choked, arching against Olivia’s body. 

 

She remembered that they were in the precinct elevator but she couldn’t control herself. If they had but a couple more moments, it would all be over. 

 

Olivia’s fingers began to circle her clit, dragging firmly over the aroused nub, pushing her closer towards the edge. “It’s going to be fast.” Olivia whispered in her ear, “Don’t hold on.”

 

Amanda whimpered at the commanding tone in Olivia’s voice, although she had no intention of trying to hold back. She wanted it to come quickly and as desperately as Olivia could give it to her.

 

She moaned out louder as Olivia’s fingers rubbed harder now, establishing a firm, steady pattern around her clit. She arched her hips in response, grinding into Olivia’s hand in tandem. Blood rushed in her ears, her vision bright white as her eyes rolled back. She could feel it coming, charging towards her like a tide ready to yank her out to sea. She didn’t care if she broke down within thirty seconds of Olivia touching her...she just wanted it. 

 

Their strangled pants and moans punctuated the silence of the elevator until at last, Amanda arched, her entire being going rigid. Her body tightened from within, drawing up the spike of pleasure through her entire body. She rode the tide high, until the entire force of the orgasm struck down upon her. 

 

Olivia dropped her wrist and grabbed the back of her head, pressing Amanda’s face into her chest to stifle the cry that struggled up from Amanda’s throat. She held her tightly as Amanda shuddered and writhed in pleasure. She didn’t let her go, nor did she stop the motion of her hand, until Amanda slumped weakly against her. 

 

They stayed like that quietly for several moments and Amanda wanted to pray that the moment didn’t have to end so soon. Laying against Olivia’s chest, cradled, with the last of the pleasure that Olivia had brought diligently to her body shaking through her…. Amanda had never felt so content….or happy. In the aftermath, she almost wanted to cry. 

 

“We have to get off the elevator soon.” Olivia murmured, her fingers trailing through Amanda’s hair. 

 

“I know.” Amanda returned. She lifted her head slowly, almost afraid to look Olivia in the eyes for fear that she would see regret. When their gazes met, inches apart, Amanda wasn't sure what she saw in the other woman's eyes. She wore a mask over her feelings in this moment and Amanda wished she could just as easily reach up and tear it away.

 

The two of them were so different and yet somehow by some mystery they had ended up here, together. Amanda wondered quietly how well they really did know each other and realized that she had no clue how to disarm Olivia. Pure force only worked for so long… and Amanda didn't want to spend the rest of this relationship, however long it lasted, prying at armor that might never crack.

 

Olivia sighed softly and untangled her fingers from Amanda's hair. Her fingers brushed Amanda's cheek in the softest gesture that they'd ever exchanged and Amanda's stomach fluttered. Maybe she didn't want flowers and dates but maybe a comforting, loving touch such as this every once in awhile. 

 

Olivia released her slowly and took a step back. “We’ll find another place to talk.” She said quietly, reaching past Amanda to press the button for the first floor again. 

 

“Okay…” Amanda whispered, watching Olivia closely.  Her face was drawn, her shoulders straight and tight. She was folding herself back into her layers of self protection, and Amanda finally could not find a reason to blame her. 

 

If anything, she should expect Olivia to be angry, instead of giving her soft, intimate touches.

 

Amanda hadn’t even waited for them to find privacy before forcing an ultimatum, one she knew more than likely would fall in her favor. All this time she had been angry at Olivia’s manipulation and now she found herself on the other side, benefiting from it just as Olivia had. Regret was not a word that Amanda wanted to etch in this book, and with the pleasure still fresh in her body, she didn’t think she could. The only question that remained was whether Olivia felt the same way. It wasn’t right, but Amanda already imagined that even if she didn’t, she still had what she had stepped into this elevator with - the power of her consent and Olivia’s devotion to following it and her own twisted desires to their bitter end. 

 

The walk from the the elevator out to the squad car was silent, but they walked side by side, their steps hurried. 

 

Amanda cast glances over at Olivia, watching her lieutenant closely, but Olivia remained stoic. Her shoulder length hair swirled around her jawline in the early winter breeze, and the cold brushed color throughout her lips and cheeks. She looked damn beautiful.

 

When they reached the car, Olivia unlocked the doors and quickly ducked inside. Amanda followed more slowly, but at last they were shut inside, away from the howling wind, away from the world. 

 

“Is there even really a case?” Amanda asked at last, with an awkward chuckle.

 

“Yes, but the mother isn’t expecting us for awhile.” Olivia replied.

 

They fell silent for a moment, before Amanda reached out and touched Olivia’s hand, “Like I said…. I’m not expecting flowers and dates….”

 

“We can’t be together, Amanda.” Olivia shook her head and turned her face towards the window. The sun peeked through the clouds, slanting ray of light through the glass and onto Olivia’s golden skin. 

 

Amanda breathed out and retracted her hand. “You keep saying that.” Her voice rose, “But what just happened…. I’m not just going to forget about it.”

 

“Neither am I.” Olivia murmured.

 

“Then what?” Amanda demanded, turning in the seat to fully face her. “We just go along like this? Fucking each other in the secret of elevators and offices?”

 

Olivia flinched, but remained unmoved. “No…. That can't happen again.” 

 

“Are you serious?!” Amanda exploded. “Why the fuck did you pull me back into that elevator if you were just going to turn around and do this?”

 

“I acted on impulse.” Olivia replied stiffly, turning her eyes towards Amanda at last. Gone was the twinkle of arousal and the soft light of adoration. Her gaze had frosted over right along with the winter's chill. “This won't happen again.” She promised, coldly, and her tone implied that it was also an order. 

 

Whatever leverage Amanda had held for those five minutes inside the elevator was swiftly being torn down before her very eyes, crumbling into the ruin of false hope. 

 

“You've got to be shitting me.” Amanda whispered, her voice raw and hollow. She sat back in the seat, and stared out the window.

 

What the hell was she even fighting for? Olivia had already told her that she cared more about her son and her career than she did about Amanda's feelings. She was nothing more than a plaything, an object of sexual gratification. It had been foolish of her to imagine a scenario where this ended differently. 

 

She heard the car rumble to life and then a jolt as Olivia shifted into drive. She didn't say anything as she directed the car out of the precinct parking lot and into New York City traffic. 

 

Amanda watched the buildings and other cars pass outside the window mindlessly. She felt the pain in her heart but her mind already cycled through ways around Olivia's denial. She had never been one to give up and now she had something that she really wanted and it was so close. She could still feel herself pleasantly thrumming from orgasm, from Olivia's hand. No, she wasn't ready to give this up - not by a long shot. 

 


	6. Chapter 6

What rain New York City had been receiving had turned to snow and a light but cold flurry swirled through the darks streets.

Amanda's car sat idling across the street from an apartment building. She'd come across a lucky empty parking space but had been sitting here for several minutes now. It was late, just past ten pm and she was working on the dwindling remains of her second cigarette. 

It had been an entire day since her and Olivia's talk in the elevator. They hadn't spoken much but Amanda's mind had been full of ever circling thoughts. Memories and desires inundated her routinely, causing her to be in a constant state of jittery anticipation and anxiety. Something had to give and it was most likely going to be Amanda's self control. 

She'd spent a good portion of the former evening tossing and turning in bed. Her mind would not quiet especially as she replayed Olivia touching her over and over again in her head. Relief had only come when she had shoved her own hand down the front of her underwear and desperately rubbed herself to completion until she was too exhausted to keep her eyes open.

It had been shaping up the be another night quite like that until she had left the house. Even now, she could feel herself humming and thrumming. She was ready and needy, her entire being overcome with this insatiable desire.

She leaned her head back against the seat and pressed her eyes shut as she took another drag of her cigarette. The hit of nicotine only calmed her frayed nerves for a fraction of a second. Her mind was already chasing after memories, so visceral. The smell of Olivia's neck, the weight of her body against Amanda's, the softness of her hands… 

Amanda moaned quietly and rubbed her forehead. It ached from her thinking, her lack of sleep because of the whole situation. 

Everything within her told her to go into that apartment, where Olivia no doubt blissfully existed with her sweet baby and spared no second thoughts for Amanda. It always seemed as if Olivia could outthink anything into a peace of mind that Amanda could only dream of. 

_ This is all her fault,  _ her mind whispered to her,  _ go demand what you want… Make her give it to you… _

Amanda swallowed hard and brought her cigarette to her lips again. It was just a snub now and she sucked it down to it's last. 

_ You deserve it after all she's put you through…. Go take it just like she took what she wanted… _

“Fuck…” Amanda hissed, her heart exploding into a racing gallop. She grabbed the door handle and shoved the door open with her shoulder. She tossed the butt of her cigarette to the wet pavement as she slammed the door and rounded the car, her quick, determined steps carrying her towards the apartment building. 

She reached the front door and quickly skimmed her fingers down the panel of buttons next to the door. She paused as her fingertips outlined  _ O. Benson. _ She didn't even know if Olivia would buzz her in. She could've come here for nothing, but she had to try. She pushed the button quickly and waited. 

A moment later, Olivia's voice crackled through the speaker. “Who is it?”

Amanda swallowed hard, her breath fogging in front of her face in the winter's cold. 

“Hello?” Olivia asked.

“It's… It's Amanda.” Amanda finally managed to gather her words  and speak. 

Silence met her for a moment and she was almost wished she hadn't come here; however, only a second later the door buzzed and opened. 

“Thank god…” Amanda mumbled and stepped inside. She shut the door behind her and relished the warmth of the entryway. She glanced up the hallway, finding Olivia's apartment number.

_ Remember what you came here for _ , she thought. She couldn't be intimidated or scared. Olivia would overpower her emotionally in seconds. She focused her mind on all their conversations, all the times Olivia had denied her, hurt her, manipulated her, take advantage of her. She attempted to gather every single feeling and smash them into a weapon of desire and demand. If Olivia wouldn't listen to her, she had to  _ make _ her.

Amanda clenched her hands into fists and began to march down the hallway. Her heart beat faster with every step, the sound of her boots hitting the hardwood echoing with the thrum of her body.

She reached the door and stared it down for a long second before lifted her hand, her fingers curled into a fist. She hesitated only a second longer before knocking quickly. Her stomach turned and her heart pounded as she waited for a reply. 

After what seemed like an eternity, the door cracked open. Olivia stood on the other side, her gaze fixed in neutrality. Amanda damned the door security, wishing she could've caught her off guard.

“Amanda, what are you doing here?” She asked. Her voice was soft, non aggressive. 

Amanda stared back at her, her eyes quickly taking in the length of Olivia's body. She was wearing a loose, baby blue sweater and black leggings. Her face was free of makeup and her hair was tied in a loose bun. It wasn't a look that Amanda was used to but it was nonetheless appealing. Seeing Olivia without her armour of classy dress, perfect makeup and her gun and shield at her hip was….invigorating, arousing, and very much worth the anxiety this was costing Amanda.

“I came to talk…” Amanda's voice came out rough. She was sure she looked tired, harried, and desperate but she didn't care. Let Olivia see what she had done. 

“Amanda…” Olivia glanced away for a second. Amanda could see her biting her inner lip. “I don't think that's a good idea.”

“Let me in.” Amanda insisted, stepping closer, almost past the threshold. 

“I know why you're here.” Olivia said, her brows furrowing. She didn't hold up a guard over the strain in her eyes and Amanda stared deep into her gaze, feeding on the raw emotion. 

“Is Noah asleep?” Amanda whispered, pressing her hand against the door and pushing it open a little wider.

“Yes.” Olivia returned, but the air had been whisked from her tone. 

“Good.” Amanda said, pushing the door open another inch. Olivia squeezed the door harder as if she were going to slam it in Amanda's face but Amanda pushed forward, bolstering her courage and her strength. 

She grabbed at Olivia, catching her by the back of the neck. Olivia immediately resisted but Amanda pushed inside. Their bodies slammed together and Amanda flung the door shut behind them, breathing heavily. Their faces were inches apart and for once, Olivia's face was open, her emotions splayed across her face. Nothing could've made Amanda want to kiss her more than this. 

Without hesitation, Amanda smashed their mouths together, reaching up to hold onto Olivia with her other hand as well. Olivia stiffened at first, grabbing onto Amanda's shoulders in resistance but Amanda did not let go. She knew she was possibly crossing the line but she refused to let go. Instead she sucked at Olivia's lips, hard enough to bruise and pressed her tongue forward. Olivia's mouth was like slick velvet, exquisite in taste, just as Amanda recalled. She moaned without restraint against Olivia's tongue, giving the other woman the full force of her desire. 

Finally, Olivia responded, pushing back against Amanda and slamming her into the closed door. Amanda's mouth jarred free of hers and she stared at Olivia with hooded eyes.

“You can't be here.” Olivia rasped. Her cheeks were flushed, her lips wet and red. She looked so damn enticing with her hair tumbling from the bun, and her expression so vulnerable. 

“Just give it to me.” Amanda whispered, huskily, causing another blush to rise up Olivia's neck and cheeks. “Take it out on me.”

Olivia's jaw clenched, her lips tightening into a firm line. She bent her head, her eyes simmering with a desire that wanted to break free. Her fingers dug into Amanda's arms, holding her back. 

“I want it….” Amanda continued, letting her body slacken. Her back slid down the door slowly, lowering her body beneath Olivia's until she was kneeling, her face aligned with Olivia's crotch. She grabbed Olivia's hips and pulled them forward suddenly, knocking her off balance. Olivia gasped quietly as Amanda pushed her face against Olivia's groin. She could feel the heat emanating through layers of clothing as she nuzzled down further. 

“Amanda, stop.” Olivia whispered, bracing her hands against the door. 

“No.” Amanda returned. She slid her hands from Olivia's hips and grabbed her ass forcefully. She tilted her head to gaze up at Olivia and pressed her mouth slowly against Olivia's crotch, breathing hot air onto her through the thin leggings.

“No?” Olivia's voice was choked, and Amanda could feel the strain in her body. “That's….that's never…never okay, Amanda.”

“Shut up.” Amanda removed her mouth for a moment to speak. “Don't guilt trip me now. Not when you cock blocked me after the elevator.

“I can tell you no.” Olivia stared down at her although she didn't struggle. 

“Then you better convince me quick.” Amanda said, slipping her fingers up to the waistband of Olivia's pants. “Beg me to stop.” She whispered, yanking at the leggings. She could hear a few seams tear as she forced them down across Olivia's taut thighs. She heard Olivia gasp aloud as she seized her bare ass, her fingers gathering a firm hold on the soft, pliable flesh. 

“Amanda, don't.” Olivia's voice came out in more of a groan than a command as she reached down to grab onto Amanda's golden locks. 

“Don't what?” Amanda asked, pushing her face forward against the restraint of Olivia's hold. Her scalp burned but she pressed her face against Olivia's mound. She could smell her, the scent of her desire sweet upon Amanda's nose. 

“Amanda…” Olivia tried once more but her voice was failing. 

Amanda moaned quietly as she arched her chin forward and clasped her mouth over the bud of Olivia's erect clit and the folds of soft flesh surrounding it. She felt Olivia shudder uncontrollably and she sucked once, testing Olivia's resistance. What she felt instead was Olivia going slack. Amanda's confidence and desire soared and she pulled Olivia's hips towards her and pressed her tongue out against the slit of Olivia's gushing body. She tasted as delightful as she smelled, sweet and musky.

“Amanda…” Olivia whimpered above her and Amanda could feel her legs quivering. 

Amanda sucked off her and licked her lips. “I don't hear much begging,  _ lieutenant. _ ” She taunted with a smile before laying a long lick against Olivia's clit.

Olivia cried out, her head tilting back as her body arched against Amanda. Her hips crashed against Amanda's mouth, pinning her head against the door. Amanda grunted in pleasure and squeezed Olivia's ass tighter, holding her steady as she sucked her back into her mouth. She kept her tongue diligently against Olivia's tender, swollen clit as Olivia bucked against her. It took everything in Amanda's willpower not to destroy Olivia clitoris with her tongue and lips and to rather tease her into destroying herself. She wanted Olivia coming hard and fast on her mouth just like Olivia had wrenched the climax from Amanda in the elevator. 

Olivia's hips circled tightly against Amanda's face, her fingers twisting in Amanda's hair as she groaned. The sound of her pleasure went straight to Amanda's core and she she lapped against Olivia's throbbing clit, around and against it until her jaw burned. Her saliva and Olivia's wetness poured down her chin by the time Olivia began to stiffen. Her cries fell into muted silence as the orgasm began to seize her body. Amanda ground her face against Olivia's crotch, wildly pleasuring her into the end. 

Olivia's voice struggled up from her throat, emitting in a high pitched groan. She twisted and arched against Amanda, her hips shoving her up against the door again as she shuddered and bucked. Amanda could barely keep her tongue on Olivia's clit but she attempted to pleasure her even as the orgasm began to release her. 

The apartment fell silent at last.

Olivia leaned heavily against the door, her legs quivering. 

Amanda found herself on her butt, her legs flung out between Olivia's spread feet. She was sweating, her heart knocking against her rib cage. The thrum that had been in her groin had risen to engulf her entire body. 

Olivia finally attempted to stand, pushing herself away from the door slowly. Amanda looked up at her, waiting with baited breath to see her reaction. 

Her leggings had come down to her knees and when she stepped away from Amanda, they fell to her feet. Amanda licked her lips as she stared at Olivia’s naked lower half.

“Get up.” Olivia ordered at last, her voice rough.

Amanda pushed herself up slowly, her heart drumming to a new beat of arousal. She got her feet under her and stood up on weak legs. She swallowed hard as they came face to face. Olivia's cheeks glowed from the orgasm and there was a light awakened in her eyes - a dangerous light that Amanda was only beginning to know.

Olivia reached out suddenly and grabbed her arm, yanking her close. “Do you think you can come in here and act without consequences?” She asked in a low tone. 

“No, ma'am.” Amanda whispered, her belly spiking with desire. She had a distinct feeling that it would be best not to sass Olivia in this moment. Whatever she was about to do - and Amanda had a pretty good idea what it was - she was not about to resist. She would take anything from Olivia if only it meant Olivia putting her hands on her. 

Olivia pulled her into the apartment, towards the kitchen. Amanda followed willingly, her heart racing, her whole body on the verge of exploding. 

Olivia pulled her to the kitchen counter and released her arm, only to grab her by the back of the neck. She leaned in close, her lips brushing Amanda's ear. “Consequences, Amanda. I keep telling you that mouth of yours will get you into trouble.”

Amanda breath trembled aloud as she shuddered in response. If she thought she had experienced the most erotic moment of her life in that elevator, she had been wrong. Very, very wrong. 

“Bend over.” Olivia murmured in her ear. She hardly gave her a chance to comply before she pushed her down, forcing her face against the counter. She leaned down over her, her soft, copper tendrils of hair brushing Amanda's cheek. She laid a hand on Amanda's head, her fingers brushing her hair softly at first before she grabbed a handful. Amanda whimpered in response. 

Olivia kissed her cheek slowly before she whispered huskily, “I'm going to find something to use on your ass… Then I'm going to fuck you.”

Amanda swallowed hard, her body seizing with another wave of pleasure in response to Olivia's threats. Her very core throbbed with desire. She could just imagine Olivia's fingers inside her now, stretching her open and pounding into her wet, needy body…

“Don’t move.” Olivia ordered, releasing Amanda’s hair forcefully. 

Amanda stayed spread out on the counter, attempting to breath after Olivia being so close to her, promising her the one thing she had been desiring. 

She opened her eyes to catch as much of Olivia’s movement as she could. She shivered as she watched Olivia open drawers and cabinets, sometimes her hand dipping in to touch whatever instrument lay inside. Amanda’s anticipation rose higher with every passing second and each tool that Olivia passed up in search for another. Her stomach flipped back and forth between arousal and apprehension, causing a sick moan to rise up in her throat. 

“Quiet.” Olivia ordered without looking back. 

Amanda squeezed her eyes shut and held back another whimper. She was having flashbacks to their last time in Olivia’s office but it was uncomparable, knowing what was to come afterwards.

She felt Olivia’s presence behind her and gasped quietly, her fingers sliding over the counter, grasping for purchase on the smooth surface. Olivia’s naked hips pressed against her ass with a even pressure that caused her body to gush. She could feel the wetness soaking through her panties, even moistening her thighs. She couldn’t imagine how she would feel once Olivia was done with her.

“You had some balls coming in here like you did.” Olivia said, leaning over here once more. She placed one hand on the counter next to Amanda’s head and Amanda glanced the tool grasped in her long, golden brown fingers - a wooden spoon. It wasn’t as intimidating as the paddle, however, it still caused the pull of arousal inside her and the same slow burn of humiliation in her core.

“You’re not in charge anymore, sweetheart.” Olivia whispered to her as she slid a hand up to Amanda’s ass. She didn’t linger as long as Amanda would’ve liked, but instead went directly to disrobing her. She wrangled Amanda’s jeans down her legs with one hand, giving one forceful yank to send them pooling to her feet. She leaned back slowly away from Amanda’s body and Amanda turned her face away with a moan. Her body was thrumming so hard; she needed Olivia to touch her inside.

Olivia touched her back, slipping her hand beneath the hem of her shirt to touch naked flesh. The silence lengthened and Amanda whimpered. She wished Olivia would just do it instead of torture her like this. 

“What’s that?” Olivia asked.

Amanda trembled when she felt Olivia touch the smooth head of the spoon against one of her buttocks. “Please….” She whispered, squeezing her eyes shut.

“Are you begging me to punish you?” Olivia asked, rubbing the spoon slowly in circles.

Amanda swallowed the saliva that had gathered in her mouth and nodded against the counter. “Y-yes…” She forced out, haltingly.

Olivia didn’t say respond, but rather tapped the spoon against her ass, softly at first. Amanda caught her breath and held it as the tapping picked up its pace, falling just hard enough to give an idea of how much it could sting her flesh. She felt like she was going to explode with moans, but she swallowed them back as best she could.

In the next second, however, the tapping stopped and a real swat fell on her flesh. It hurt just enough for Amanda to release a moan. 

Another came, harder now, burning  a streak of fire across her ass. Amanda held onto the counter, whimpering as Olivia struck her again, bringing the spoon down against her flesh in a quick, harsh rhythm. 

Each time the smooth wood came into contact with her skin, Amanda felt as if her entire body was going to erupt into orgasm spontaneously. The pain level was unlike the paddle but the fact that she was in Olivia kitchen, having already brought Olivia to orgasm, changed everything else too. Unlike in the office, this wasn’t just punishment…. This was foreplay… and Olivia meant it to be that way. That she had gotten what she wanted, occurred to Amanda, but what bulldozed through her mind was the desire to have Olivia touching her deep inside. 

Olivia paused the quick onslaught of spankings and rubbed the spoon gently against her sweetly throbbing flesh. 

“Liv…” Amanda whined, arching her back and pushing her ass out towards her. She’d never begged to be punished before, but right now nothing seemed more enticing that letting Olivia do exactly as she pleased. 

Olivia rubbed her back slowly before gripping her opposite hip. She bent down and laid a kiss against Amanda’s tailbone, letting her breath whisper down between Amanda’s buttocks. Amanda panted desperately, wriggling back against the teasing kiss. 

“Olivia, please…”

Olivia didn’t reply, but rather laid another kiss on her burning flesh. Amanda whined when she felt her tongue draw slowly over one mark. The moist warmth permeated her skin, driving desire deep into her bones. It was almost too much.

“Please!” Her cries hit a high pitched climax and she slammed a hand down on the counter top.

Olivia lifted her head, her hair tickling over Amanda’s buttocks. “What a good girl.” She murmured, causing a flush and wave of heat to wash over Amanda’s body. Olivia straightened and Amanda felt the spoon against her flesh again.

“Please, I want-” Amanda began to moan but was cut off by her own cry as Olivia brought the spoon down suddenly with a harsh smack.

“I know what you want.” Olivia’s tone was low and gravelly, raking a shudder up Amanda’s spine. 

The spoon came down again, a singular, harsh smack that caused her to jerk against the counter. 

She moaned louder but Olivia’s hand pressed into her back, holding her down as she brought the spoon down again in the same manner. Each time she did, a loud smack filled the air, followed by the strangled noise of Amanda’s moans. The blows continued to fall until Amanda’s skin was freshly red and aching all over.

“Please…. Liv…” Amanda cried out at last, unable to stay still under the tortuous touch of the spoon. She tried to push herself up but Olivia planted a hand on her back. 

“Please… fuck…” She groaned. 

_ Smack! _ The spoon fell again and Amanda’s groan twisted into a raspy cry. She writhed under Olivia’s hold, crying for it to be over. It wasn’t the pain that forced her desperate cries but desire that consumed her. She wanted Olivia to touch her. Goddamnit, she  _ needed _ her inside. 

“Olivia, please… please….” She nearly sobbed. 

Olivia leaned harder on her now and the spankings began to fall faster, the spoon whistling through the air to meet flesh, rapid fire. One after the other, pushing Amanda towards the edge of her will. She couldn’t keep count of how many spankings fell within the space of those few short minutes but it felt like dozens, peppering her flesh with pain. 

“Olivia, please, fuck…” Amanda moaned. “I need you… Jesus fuck… I need you to…”

The spoon smacked her again and Amanda growled now. Her body was throbbing hard and she couldn’t take another second of this torture. She shoved up from the counter, and spun around, grabbing Olivia wrist. They were so close that their breaths rushed against each other’s cheeks and Olivia’s gaze was fierce, powerful, demanding. 

“Fuck me.” Amanda whispered hoarsely.

Olivia’s brows rose slightly, “Don’t think I won’t.” 

“Now.” Amanda demanded through gritted teeth. She wrenched the spoon from Olivia’s hand and it clattered to the floor, leaving only Olivia’s fingers in Amanda’s grasp. She pushed Olivia back against the opposite counter and ducked her head against Olivia’s neck. She pressed her lips to the other woman’s throat and sucked hard. She heard Olivia make a low noise in her throat. 

“You’ve got an awful habit of telling me what to do.” She murmured, but she didn’t sound as mad as Amanda thought she might. She pressed in closer, arching her hips against Olivia’s thigh and kissing up her neck to her ear. She flicked her earlobe into her mouth and felt a shudder go through Olivia’s body. 

“Don’t hold back.” Amanda whispered against the wet flesh. “Take me…. Fuck me…” She rocked her hips against Olivia's leg, moaning at the friction it created, their bare flesh frotting. Her clit was so sensitive that even this threatened an orgasm deep inside her. 

Olivia's fingers curled around her arms, flexing tightly for a moment before she pushed them back again, forcing Amanda up against the opposite counter again. Amanda moaned excitedly, her body vibrating and humming with need. 

“You want to be fucked?” Olivia asked, pressing her own face into Amanda's neck. Her teeth scraped over her pulsing carotid, raking shivers down her spine. 

“Yes, yes, please…” She mewled, squirming against Olivia for every inch or contact she could get. 

Olivia sucked off of her neck, leaving a burning patch of skin there. She grabbed Amanda's arm and spun her around again, leaving Amanda panting and bent over once more. She moaned as Olivia squeezed one of her buttocks and leaned over her to press a kiss to the nape of her neck.

“I said I would fuck you…” She murmured against Amanda's hair, “and I think you know by now… I'm a woman of my word.”

Amanda shuddered, a deluge of arousal bursting through her. She'd heard those words before and Olivia had never failed to deliver after uttering them.

Olivia's hand slid down between her legs, skimming her thigh, then up. Amanda squeezed the edge of the counter, her heart crashing against her ribs as Olivia's fingers reached her swollen lips. Even the slightest touch made her body sing, so sensitive she wanted to scream. She pressed her forehead against the cool counter and bit down on her lip. 

Olivia's fingers quested up the cleaved mound of her body to touch her clit, dragging a pair of fingertips over the aroused flesh. Amanda cried out, involuntarily jerking against the counter. 

“Shhh…” Olivia hushed her, although her fingers did not let up. She dragged them back, parting Amanda's slick slit with a deft touch. She massaged her fingers down between her lips, teasing her entrance. Amanda let out another choked cry and arched back against her 

“Please…. Inside…” She panted. Olivia's touches, although pleasurable, were much too slow. She needed it hard and fast, forcing her to orgasm rather than coaxing.

“Inside where?” Olivia's was teasing, but full of arousal. She wanted to pound into her just as much as Amanda wanted it.

“Inside me…” Amanda rasped. “Put them in my pussy, Liv.” 

She felt Olivia breath out heavily against her neck, whispering hot hair over her prickling flesh. She thought she heard her whisper a curse but she was too distracted by the feeling of Olivia's fingers pressing against her entrance, two of them probing for access. 

“Yes….” Amanda whimpered, pushing back against Olivia as much as she could. 

She gasped when she felt them enter her, seating deep inside her up to Olivia's knuckles. Her wetness gushed onto Olivia's hand, creating slick noises that fell erotically on Amanda's ears

“Yes, fuck me…” She groaned, tilting her head back in pleasure. She didn't want to wait and she didn't want Olivia to take her time. Her patience had never been her best virtue and now it was nearly nonexistent.

Olivia's fingers pulled back for half a second before pushing back in, completing one full thrust. Amanda cried out as the pleasure ripped through her core. 

“Faster, faster…” She begged, planting her feet in a wider stance and arching her back.

She felt Olivia move back and she glanced over her shoulder with a whine. Olivia ducked down and Amanda felt her kneel behind her, one hand grabbing her hip, the other remaining buried inside her. Amanda whimpered as Olivia kissed her buttock and thigh slowly. Her fingers flexed on Amanda's hip and Amanda felt her other fingers begin to move inside her, gently at first. 

“Yes, yes…” Amanda panted, attempting to thrust desperately back against her. Olivia's grip on her hip, however, held her steady as Olivia's fingers began to pump into her.

Amanda cried out as Olivia's finger dipped forward, grazing over her the sensitive sweet spot inside her with each thrust of her hand. Amanda's nails scratched over the smooth counter surface, her body convulsing in pleasure. Her throbbing center was on the verge of explosion and the way Olivia fucked her drew her up each plateau with unwavering accuracy. 

Olivia's mouth pressed against her ass, licking and sucking one spot as she drove her fingers into Amanda's aching, open body, only pushing the pleasure higher. Amanda wanted to scream as the orgasm began to tighten her insides. It was so close she could almost reach out and snatch it from the air. She rocked wildly back against Olivia's hand, driving her straight to the edge.

The orgasm took her, tearing a destructive path up through her body. She cried out, a halting, raspy scream that lengthened through the continuous waves of pleasure. She bucked against the counter, nearly unseating herself from Olivia's hand. 

Olivia wrapped her arm around Amanda's waist, holding her tight and slamming her fingers into her even as the climax shook Amanda's body. She didn't let up, but rather fit a third finger into Amanda's hot, gushing body. Amanda screamed out again, jerking as Olivia assaulted her sensitive core with fast, driving motions of her hand. 

A second orgasm slammed Into Amanda, not even a minute after the first and she sobbed as the pleasure ravaged her hard and long. Olivia stroked her to the end, and finally drew the relentless pounding of her fingers to a close.

Amanda sank down against the counter. Her knees wavered, her entire body weak. Olivia's arm tightened around her, letting her know it was safe to sink down into her arms. 

They collapsed on the kitchen floor, both pantless and breathless. Amanda lay back against Olivia's chest, her entire being humming from the multiple orgasms. 

They didn't speak for a long time, wordlessly sitting in the middle of the kitchen, their limbs entwined. Olivia's lifted a hand and touched Amanda's hair, stroking her head and cheek.  Amanda leaned her face into the touch and closed her eyes.

She didn't know how long this would last. She had no way of knowing what Olivia would say in the next minute or the next morning. For now, she had what she wanted and damn did it feel good. 

Olivia felt good. Being with her felt good. Even after the way they had come together, all the turmoil they'd put each other through, all Amanda could feel was peace. Finally, peace.


	7. Chapter 7

The sun was barely peeking through the clouds when Amanda felt a soft hand squeeze her shoulder, rubbing gently. 

 

“Amanda..” The murmur of Olivia's voice dragged her from the recesses of sleep. For a moment, she was disoriented but the details of their activities the night before returned quickly enough.

 

Amanda rolled onto her side to see Olivia looking down at her. She was no longer bare faced and unkempt much to Amanda's disappointment. She must have risen earlier because she was already dressed in work attire and she smelled fresh from the shower.

 

“My sitter is going to be arriving soon.” Olivia said, brushing some hair from Amanda's face. 

 

Amanda groaned softly. Her body begged her to remain in the soft warm bed with Olivia next to her. She still felt exhausted and sore from their exertions and the last thing she wanted to do was to be rising at 7 am to go to work.

 

“You can use my shower if you like.” Olivia offered, briefly touching her cheek before she stood from the edge of the bed. “I have to get going soon.”

 

Amanda reached up and grabbed Olivia's wrist to pull her back. “So I'm gonna be late but you're not?” She asked. 

 

Olivia's sighed, her lips tightening. “It's more believable than us arriving together.” 

 

Amanda nodded slowly. She couldn't expect Olivia to be just fine and dandy after one night. She should brace herself now for the inevitable moment when Olivia returned to denying what had happened and her part in it. 

 

“Just do me a favor and don't oversell whatever excuse you come up with.” Olivia said. She gave Amanda's hand a squeeze before pulling away. Amanda watched her gather her coat and purse. She was heading towards the bedroom door before Amanda could find her voice.

 

“Hey, Liv.” 

 

Olivia turned back and Amanda's heart clenched with how beautiful she was. She hasn't expected this moment to hurt so badly. She'd firmly convinced herself that once she and Olivia had sex she would be satisfied but now watching her leave with hardly a kiss…. Amanda could not help but feel the sting of disappointment. 

 

“What is it?” Olivia asked. 

 

Amanda shook her head. “Nothing… Just be safe. It snowed last night.”

 

Olivia dipped her chin in an affirmative nod but Amanda could tell she had been expecting something else. 

 

_ Well, so was I… _ Amanda thought, quelling the urge to jump up from the bed and run to Olivia, kiss her and tell her what she was really thinking. 

 

“You too..” Olivia murmured and grabbed the door handle. She left the room in the swirl of her long black coat, taking with her the light and the warmth that this sanctuary had offered last night. Suddenly, it was just Amanda and four walls and a cold bed beneath her.

 

Amanda sighed and rubbed her hands over her face. Her palms came away damp and she gritted her teeth. Now was not the time. She had to get to work and exit the house before Olivia's sitter started connecting too many dots.

 

Amanda pushed out of bed and began to look for her clothes. She paused when she found them neatly folded on Olivia's dresser. Her pants had even been retrieved from the kitchen. The gesture was more thoughtful than romantic but Amanda couldn't help but grasp onto it as evidence that Olivia cared more than she let on. 

 

Amanda glanced up into the mirror that hung above the dresser, catching sight of her naked body. Even in the dim morning light she could see the marks splattered over her flesh. Her neck and breasts bore signs of long kisses and when she turned, she could see the bruises on her ass from the spoon. She shivered as she lightly touched them.

 

How was she supposed to walk into the squad room today and look at Olivia as her commander rather than her lover, especially when she still wore the evidence of Olivia's passion all over her body? How would she hide it from her partner?

 

Amanda tore her eyes from the mirror and snatched her clothing from the dresser. Things were neither better nor worse than yesterday - only more complicated. 

 

Rather than take Olivia up on her offer of using her shower, Amanda dressed herself and planned to return to her own place. She couldn't very well walk into work wearing yesterday's clothes. That in and of itself would be a dead giveaway.

 

Amanda made sure her keys were still in her pants pocket and left the room. She was heading towards the front door with her head down when it opened. 

 

Olivia's sitter, Lucy, entered with a rush of cold air and juggling her bags and key. She came to a halt upon seeing Amanda  standing there and the look of surprise on her face pushed a flush of embarrassment with Amanda's cheeks.

 

“Oh, hi, Amanda.” 

 

“Hey,” Amanda said, clearing her throat. “Liv didn't tell you I'd be here?”

 

“Um… No….” Lucy said with an apologetic smile as she shut the door behind her and laid down her bags.

 

“Yeah, she uh… She let me stay the night. I'm having work done at my place. Problems with the heating you know.” Amanda lied quickly. “Sorry to bother you.” 

 

“She said she had someone over but didn't say it was you.” Lucy said. “But she was in a hurry.”

 

“Yeah, uh, long day yesterday.” Amanda said, shouldering past Lucy towards the door. “Gotta go. I'm gonna be late.” She rushed out the door before Lucy could say anything else. The look on the nanny's face said everything. She'd been expecting some tall, handsome man in a suit… Not Amanda. Damn Olivia for making it so obvious that they had slept together. 

 

Amanda rushed out the front door and the cold, morning air whipped directly into her face as she jogged across the street towards her car. There was a layer of snow and ice across the windshield and Amanda groaned at the inconvenience. Even after five years of living in the North, she still wasn't used to the weather. She didn't miss Georgia often, but right now she could use some sunshine and the wide open spaces the South offered.

 

Amanda ducked into the car, started the engine and immediately stomped on the accelerator. She wasn't worried about getting to work on time. She just wanted to get away from the apartment and Lucy's curious gaze.

 

Amanda navigated the Manhattan streets absentmindedly. Her brain was elsewhere, turning over and over with thoughts and memories. Part of her tugged her towards the warm remembrance of Olivia's touch while the other part of her reminded her of the way she'd had left this morning, brisk and cold. 

 

Amanda wanted to believe that this could somehow work out for the both of them but now that she was in the situation, she felt the weight of all the complications. Maybe this is what Olivia had been thinking when she'd attempted to halt their desperate intercourse last night. Maybe she'd even been right.

 

Amanda scoffed aloud at herself. She'd gone through all of this, fought for a night in Olivia's bed only to be remorseful the next morning when she didn't get the response she wanted? No, she could not be so easily swayed. She hasn't given up before and she couldn't now. She wanted Olivia more than she wanted anything. 

 

Amanda reached her apartment half an hour later and pulled into her parking space. She sat back for a minute and rubbed her hands over her face. She knew what she'd face when she went into work and she had to steel herself for it.

 

Amanda shoved the door open and left the car to jog up to her apartment door. Once inside, she ran up the stairs to her apartment and shut herself inside. If this was the only peace she was going to get today, she'd take it. 

 

She discarded her clothes as she walked to the bathroom, disregarding the cold that had crept inside over night. She cranked the hot water on in the shower and stepped inside, letting it rain down upon her. It felt good, washing away the stains of saliva and sweat from her flesh, but it couldn't wash away the memories of what had been done to her body. 

 

She closed her eyes as she began to lather her body in soap, moaning softly as her fingers kneaded over sensitive bruises and tender flesh. She remembered how each one of them had been branded onto her with the suck of Olivia's lips and grip of her long, strong fingers. She'd taken her harshly, then slowly, bringing her up and down the scales of pleasure until there wasn't any one mountain of desire they hadn't climbed together. 

 

Amanda whimpered quietly as she sank against the wet shower wall. Drops of water ran down the length of her golden hair and rosy cheeks, running in rivulets of moisture between her breasts and to the center of her. She could feel warmth inside her, far different than the hot water crashing over her. 

 

She clenched her teeth, grasping her crotch as if to squeeze away the pleasure, however, it only heightened her desire. She panted softly, giving into the urges with hardly a fight. She let her fingers push between her folds, grazing up the gushing slit until she reached her clit. It was already throbbing and she immediately pressed her fingers to it, with a well practiced touch. She knew she could make herself come quickly and she knew she could make it happen over and over until these desires were sated. 

 

Amanda's body shivered and stiffened as she dragged her fingers back and forth over her clit, driving herself quickly towards the peak. She coaxed her body to respond to the memories of Olivia touching her and she imagined that she was once again under the force of Olivia's hand.

 

She climaxed quick and hard, arching again the slick shower wall as she cried out. Her body trembled and squeezed from within, shooting spams into her extremities. She rocked her hips up against her hand, urging the orgasm to last until it finally died away. 

 

She came up for air, gasping as the pleasure finally released her. Her body hummed a pleasant, satisfied tune, warming her belly. She bent her head back against the wall, panting. 

 

How in the hell was she supposed to spend the rest of her career at SVU like this? As long as Olivia was there, she'd never be at peace. Maybe she'd never find solace ever again if Olivia did not accept both of their desires, but having to work together was going to be painfully unbearable.

 

Amanda trudged through the rest of her shower, sufficiently ignoring her body's call to come again. She was already going to be late enough. She left the bathroom without chancing a glance of her guilty expression in the mirror. 

 

She dressed quickly, blow dried her hair, and did the bare minimum of makeup. She covered up what hickeys she could that adorned her neck until she was satisfied that she wouldn't look too terribly conspicuous. 

 

By the time she made in into her car and uptown, she was more than fashionably late but she blamed Olivia. Nevertheless, she couldn't help but feel her stomach drop with anxiety as she pulled up at the precinct.

 

_ What's the worst thing that's going to happen _ ? Amanda asked herself.  _ You get a reprimand and everyone laughs… So what? _

 

She tried to shake the apprehension filling her belly and left the car at a quick clip. She made it inside and up the elevator with her sunglasses firmly on her nose. She'd worn a turtleneck sweater to cover the markings on her neck and she tugged the hem up further, self consciously, as the elevator doors opened. She took a deep breath and stepped into the squad room.

 

“There she is.” Fin stated as she crosser over to their facing desks.

 

“Yeah, yeah I'm late.” She groused, plopping down in her chair.

 

“What's it this time?” Carisi cajoled. “Frannie or the water heater?” 

 

Amanda slid her sunglasses off glared over at him. “Actually my pipes are frozen, thank you very much.” 

 

“Rollins.” Olivia's voice jarred her and she sat up straighter in her chair as the lieutenant approached. “You're late.” She gestured with a questioning hand.

 

Amanda swallowed hard at the sight of her. It was hard to breathe knowing what lay beneath her slacks and blouse, having so recently left her bed. 

 

“Is this going to become a daily ritual?” Olivia asked, snapping her out of her daydream.

 

“No, no..” She shook her head. She was half annoyed that Olivia was putting up this act so well, and half aroused simply by her appearance. 

 

“Give her a break, Liv, her pipes were frozen.” Carisi jumped to her defense.

 

Olivia shot a peeved glance, “Carisi, she doesn't need your help explaining herself.” 

 

Carisi backed off with raised brows. “Yes, ma'am.” He said, under his breath as he sat back down.

 

“My pipes were frozen.” Amanda repeated with a sarcastic smile.

 

“Fine.” Olivia said before turning to Fin. “Fin, you and Carisi get ahead of us to Mercy Hospital. They've got a rape vic there.” 

 

“What about Rollins?” Fin asked.

 

“Well, everyone sure is worried about Rollins’ business today.” Olivia replied with a mirthless chuckle.

 

“Right…” Fin said, slowly, rising to grab his coat and keys. “Let's go, Sonny.”

 

Carisi followed suit, casting a sympathetic glance in Amanda's direction before they headed off together towards the elevator.

 

When they were alone, Amanda turned back towards Olivia, “Did you really have to go in on me?”

 

“Yes,” Olivia said, shortly. “Come with me. We need to talk.” She turned and headed back towards her office.

 

Amanda swallowed on a dry throat, her stomach doing a small flip. Today couldn't possibly get any worse and Amanda had a feeling that it wasn't going to get any better after their talk.

 

She followed after Olivia slowly and found her holding the door open. When she stepped inside, Olivia shut the door and yanked the blinds closed. 

 

“You could've said something to me this morning.” Amanda said when Olivia didn't speak for a moment. 

 

“I needed time to think outside of…the bedroom.” She said, finishing the sentence with the same uncomfortable tone that Amanda had heard from her before. It only made it even more apparent why they were here.

 

“Just say it.” Amanda murmured as Olivia walked slowly around to face her. 

 

“We can't continue this.” Olivia said, quietly. She almost sounded sorry but Amanda knew better. She shook her head, scoffing against sudden tears.

 

“You're unbelievable.” She whispered, huskily, staring down at the floor.

 

Olivia didn't reply for a moment even though Amanda knew she heard it. At last she said, slowly, “I can't say that I regret what happened… However, anything beyond this would be….unwise.”

 

Amanda laughed through her tears and glared up at Olivia. “You think it's that easy to just walk away?”

 

Olivia leaned against her desk and folded her arms. “You were the one that once told me that the idea of sex creating an unbreakable bond was bullshit.”

 

“Oh my god.” Amanda turned away, covering her face in her hands. “You'll always find a way to make this my fault.”

 

“I take full responsibility for my part in this.” Olivia said, her tone irritated. “But I remind you that I was the one who begged you not to go through with this.”

 

“So now I forced you?” Amanda spun back around, latching onto anger… Anything but sadness and brokenheartedness. 

 

“It's not that simple.” Olivia shook her head.

 

“No?” Amanda threw out her hands. “I thought you were the one who's always saying if you say no at any point it's rape.”

 

Olivia pursed her lips. “Do you think you raped me, Amanda?”

 

“No…” Amanda's voice fell from anger and she turned away again, rubbing her palms over her eyes. “Of course not…”

 

“I don't think you did either… However, this can't go on.” Olivia said, her tone soft but firm.

 

“And what if I don't agree?” Amanda asked, her tone thick from tears and muffled by her hands.

 

“Don't force me to make a judgement call.” Olivia advised, tensely.

 

Amanda wiped her face and turned slowly. “What are you saying?” Her voice shook.

 

“I'm saying… If you pursue this I have no choice but to request you be transferred.” 

 

Their eyes met, Olivia's iced over a pool of emotion, Amanda's spilling forth. Olivia remained unwavering and Amanda could see no bluff in her gaze or posture… Nothing that she could imagine into remorse or regret. Absolutely fucking nothing.

 

Her anger grew like an A bomb, explosive and sudden. There was no slow burn of disappointment, only utter and painful hurt. Her chest burned, so visceral, it was as if Olivia really had reached her hand into her chest and wrenched her heart from its moorings. 

 

Her entire being shook and she spun, heading for the door. She had nothing else to say, nothing left to give or bribe Olivia with. It was all scattered to the wind as if their affair were nothing but fleeting shards of a long time past memory. 

 

“Amanda.” Olivia's hand caught her arm as she grabbed the door knob. 

 

“Let go of me.” Amanda choked past tears. 

 

Olivia's eyes had finally melted but even those wide, chocolate orbs could not drag Amanda back into this crazy, emotionally destructive exchange. 

 

“Just fuck off already.” Amanda voice rose and she wished to sound vengeful and hateful but she could read the excruciating pain in her own voice and she knew Olivia could sense it too. 

 

“Please try to understand.” Olivia's voice had grown thick although she maintained her emotions under a mask by sheer willpower. 

 

“Fuck you.” Amanda repeated with a shake of her head. She tore her arm from Olivia's grip and yanked the door open. She didn't care where she was going and at this moment, she didn't even care if she ever set foot inside this office again. She needed to get out. She needed to walk as far away as she could, until the anger had turned to dust and the pool of her tears had evaporated into nothing…. Until her memories of Olivia were lost to time’s erosive hand. 

  
She ran past her desk, punched her fingers into the elevator button. The ride down was dizzying and blurry and when she made it out, she stormed towards the doors of the 1-6, pushing through without care for others passing by. When the cold harsh wind of New York City finally whipped across her body with icy vengeance, she welcomed it. Stepping into winter's embrace, she didn't look back. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So we come to the end of part one! What now?! I may or may not be taking a break from posting until I am done writing part two. When I do begin to post part two, it will still be updated every Thursday. So for now, let me know your thoughts and thanks for reading :-)


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